I have a huge heart for Africa. I’m not someone who enjoys sad stories or hearing of children suffering, and yet I cannot seem to shake Africa…there is this hope and inspiration within me that I somehow have the potential to do something about it…I am drawn to Africa, I pray for Africa, I cry for Africa.
However, it has not been on my radar to adopt.
The exact opposite actually. Back in March, someone asked me “Lacey, why don’t you go to Ethiopia [on one of Harvest’s work crews for a short-term missions trip]”…I just laughed, but in the back of my mind I thought to myself “no way…because if I did that I’d want to bring one of those kids home with me and that’s the last thing I need”. Fast forward a week later.
I woke up to spend time with God before my kids woke up. I was sitting in my loveseat watching the sunrise. I was worshipping God and thanking Him for all he has given me and done in our lives. It was one of those rare moments where you just FEEL God in the room, know He is there and you are enveloped in His presence. I looked at the wall that has the professional pictures of Maggie, Sawyer, and Violet each taken when they were babies. I was thanking Him for my children. Then, I felt like he said:
“There’s going to be a 4th picture there, and it’s going to be a black baby boy”.
And for a split second, I saw that picture of this precious black baby
(taken similarly to the other 3 kids' pictures and to the right of them).
I was initially excited, and then filled with dread as I know the work required for one more child. I proceeded to argue with God about how I couldn’t do it, that it was a really bad move, one I’m not capable of. Then He gentle told me many things about this child…he told me about his mother, when he would be conceived, when he would be born, what his life would look like if we decided against adopting him. He even told me his name. I decided to keep this to myself for a few days. I even made a 3 page list of all the reasons this would be hard.
Filled with fear and excitement, I decided I needed to tell John. I prayed and completely gave it to God. I knew that if John shot it down, thought I was stirring the “chaos pot” or that he could never love a baby that wasn’t his own, that it was a done deal. So my “vision” was on a Wednesday, and John and I were going on a date that Friday night. Over dinner, I shared the whole shpeal with John and then waited for his reaction. He listened intently and then grabbed my hand across the table and looked me in the eyes and said
“Lace, I always knew we’d adopt a baby from Africa. But how could I have put that on you?
Only God could have told you that.”
We talked and John agreed it was something we could do…years down the road. This conflicted with my belief of when this baby would be born, but after obsessing and getting completely unbalanced, I felt like God told me in May to let it go. I knew I needed to trust John and let him lead and to not try to control or worry. I had this strong inkling that one day, we would look at each other and say “Now. We’re supposed to begin the paperwork now.”
Let me pause to say there have also been 3 different times throughout this where I have begged God to give me a “sign”. I have battled myself hard wondering if I “made this up”, especially considering how many books and blogs I’ve read on Africa. I wondered if this was just me and addicted behavior…like it’s not enough to sponsor a child now I want to have one come and live with me?! It all seems pretty crazy right? And the underlying pervasive fear all along has been “I can’t do this. I’m incapable. I won’t be able to handle this.” I decided to stop reading books and blogs and see if this would go away.
Sign #1. While the kids were napping one Friday last spring, I hit this emotional wall and I just begged God to please show me if this was from Him or not. I told Him “I just have to know God, it’s killing me”. The next day, Meisha brought me a card with a check in it for $1000. I told her, Meisha, we are doing well, we don’t need this money. She said, “Look Lacey, both Zamien (her husband) and I felt like God told us to give this money to you guys. If we didn’t do it, we’d be disobeying Him.”. I thought for sure John would be adamant about not taking this money. Instead he said “Well, it just proves that money won’t be the thing that holds us back from adoption.” We accepted the money and put it in a savings account titled “Africa”.
Sign #2. I was putting Sawyer to bed one night and I asked him if he would like to have a baby brother. Of course he said yes. Then I said, “what would you like to name him?” Then he said the exact same name God told me was his name. I never told anyone but John that name.
In August John and I went on a date. It was very anti-climactic, but John looked at me and said “You can begin the paperwork tomorrow if you want to.” All along John had been the one holding back, and when he said we could move forward, I got really scared. I just couldn’t’ move forward. I’d reason “but God, we really need a new car instead of putting our tax return toward this adoption”…then he would remind me, “Your cars work. You will feel foolish when you hold this child in your arms and think, I almost traded him for a car.” I even thought “With as expensive adoption is, we could put that money toward supporting a ton of kids over in Ethiopia instead.” And He’d reply “I desire obedience more than sacrifice. And it would never happen. That money will just disappear in the black hole of everyday expenses.” Or I would think “I just can’t do this. It will be too hard.” He would respond “If you really understood how much I love you, you would fear nothing. I will be with you every step of the way.” And “Now you’re getting to where I want you. You aren’t obsessing. You realize that I am the prize today, and that I will be with you today and tomorrow.”
Sign #3. When we came home from New York, I especially was struggling with whether or not I had actually heard from God, if this was truly the way he wanted us to go. Let’s be honest, it’d sure be easier NOT to do this. We went to a worship service and Pastor Vern talked about how God spoke through fire in the Bible. That night I again begged God to please speak clearly to me and to show me that this was for sure the way he was leading us. I asked him to speak through fire. That night, as I was putting Maggie to bed, she said “Mom, I want a little brother from Africa.” I said, “Oh yea? If we did get a little brother from Africa, what do you think his name should be? “…then she too said the exact same name I had originally “gotten” that morning and the same name Sawyer had said this summer. I shot straight up and said "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!"
So I’ve waited a few months since John said go, and I can’t fight this any longer. I feel like there’s this child in Africa who belongs to our family. I went running in August, and I prayed asking God to just show himself to me in this…I felt like he told me that our family wasn’t created to be a “normal” soccer/t-ball/dance lesson/mini-van family. That he created us for something bigger.
When I look at this objectively, it looks pretty ridiculous and crazy. But when I look at it with my heart, I am excited to be a part of something that requires so much faith and trust in God, that we get to have another child in our family to love and point toward God. Every time I have a fear, I pray about that or against it. I know this isn’t going to be easy. In fact, I admit it will be hard. It’s not where I ever saw my life going…but I’m not trying to be in the driver’s seat of my life…I want my life to matter for eternity…I want to do the MOST good with my life here on earth, and this seems to be the clear way He’s pointed us. I don’t know how or what this will look like. I absolutely don’t and have not taken this lightly. But I feel immense peace and even excitement as we walk in this direction.
Alllll of this to say, I wanted you guys to know what we are doing and why. Understandably, people will have fears and objections. Those are warranted! This is a scary thing. But it’s also a good thing. And with God by our sides, it has the potential to bring great glory to His name. We appreciate your prayers.
At this point, we are beginning the initial phases of the process. From what I know it could take as little as 9 months and as much as 2 years before we will have the 4th baby boy in our family. Please know that we have NOT taken this decision lightly or blindly, or without much agonizing, prayer, worry, and faith. It would mean the world to us to have you in our corner.
Respectfully,
Lacey Lou
