It was a huge disconnect. I walked the entire adoption journey openly and honestly. It was an adventure full of twists and turns, and bringing him home felt, TRULY felt like a happy ending. And it was. This child I'd loved and longed for, this little man I'd prayed for daily before he was even conceived, he was home. It was surreal.
However, no amount of training could've prepared us for what it would actually be like to have a child who had come from such a hard place. During our first week home, a woman came up to me and asked how we were doing. I literally hadn't showered for 3 days straight, and even though it was noon, I don't know if I'd even had time to get a drink of water yet. We had a very frightened 16 month old on our hands, and rather than that fear coming out as snuggles for protection, it came out in other ways, and our hair was completely and totally BLOWN BACK. When I said "It's hard", I could see the disappointment in her face when she replied, "But it's great, right?" So I said, "Yeah. Great."
In that moment, I made a decision. That is what people want to hear. That is what they SHOULD hear! People put their faith in us, a lot of people helped us bring Abrahim home. Surely they want to hear only what's great...besides, isn't it wrong to complain?
That was the beginning of the deep loneliness.
But the thing is, it WAS hard. We had our good days and our bad days. Then we'd have a stretch of good days, and I'd think, wow, I'm so glad we're past that! But then we'd end up back in the bad days again. This was like the cruelest joke. When days turned into months, I was despondent. I've always been a pull myself up by my bootstraps kinda gal. But this was a hopelessness so deep that I could not pull myself out of it. It was a dark dark time. All the while, I had many other friends who were adopting. Their Facebook feeds looked nothing like what my life looked like. So I made another agreement:
C'mon sister, TRY HARDER.
Although, if I'm honest with myself, this isn't a new agreement. This is something I've done most of my life.
So try harder I did. But the thing is, you can't force a human being to love you. Classic text book attachment difficulties means a child that's coming from a hard place rejects their primary caregiver. The psychology behind it says "Everyone I love has left. I'm going to keep you at arms' length."
Even though I'd done the trainings and read the books, it was difficult to handle that level of repeated, daily rejection. Even though logically I KNEW what was going on, it still hurt. "Why won't he love me?" There was a deep sense of shame. It had to be me, my fault. If only I was more this way or that way. I'd come up with ways each day to try to be better, but at the end of every day, I almost always felt like a failure.
This brought up a series of issues in my own soul. I was so tired. In search for relief, I looked to various things to ease my pain. To be honest with you, I was a bit angry that God gave us a "difficult case". He KNEW how hard it had been for me to say yes to this. I wanted so badly to be able to "testify" that things had turned around, but they weren't! Everything that had always "worked" before wasn't working anymore. I couldn't write out enough things I was thankful for. I couldn't read my Bible or memorize enough Scripture.
And then I met a woman. She was a lot like me...except she had a house full of 12 kids. By the time I sat down with her, I had run out of fumes months ago. To hear her talk...she put words to so many of my feelings. She'd experienced the same pain and some of the same rejection. But somehow, her demeanor was MUCH different than mine. I saw each of her kids interact with her, and I could tell they all had great, secure, genuine relationships with each other. There was a palpable joy in their home. She was relaxed and laughed a lot. Her kids wrestled. At one point, one kid even hit another kid in the head with a rock (normal kid stuff), but it was all met with such a peace and calmness. It actually gave me great hope, and I wanted what she had. I tried to get her to tell me the play by play...what's steps 1-3 to start getting what you have. Instead, she just pointed me to Jesus and said He needed to heal me from wounds I've been carrying my whole life (FYI--this is NOT a parent bash. I have the MOST amazing parents on the planet. But even in the midst of the best childhoods, we still live in a fallen world, and each and every one of us don't walk away unscathed).
But it still felt foreign. I didn't totally get it. She must have been mistaken. I've been actively walking with Jesus for nearly 20 years. I already knew just about everything there is to know about God (*yea, I was wrong there*). But a few more months went by and I was just. so. tired. Carrying the weight of the world is exhausting!
*Side Note* I finally understand what it means to "brag about our weaknesses" (that's in the Bible by the way!). In a way, I used to brag. I didn't even know I was doing it! But I had lists and rules and ways to pray. You get up, you do this this and this if you want to be close to God (and those things did help, I'm not saying they didn't, reading the Bible and praying are GOOD for you!). But you know what? God took me to the very edge of my sanity! He allowed this whole process to BREAK ME, so that at LAST, I ran completely and totally OUT of juice. There was nothing left to try harder with! It brought me to my knees. And as it turns out, this is a GREAT place to land.
I contacted that Mama friend from a few months ago and said, "Ok, where do I begin? I'm desperate for God to do something. How do I even start? How do I get Him to heal me?"
**The telling of this much personal stuff previously would've sent me into a tailspin of despair in a vulnerability hangover. But what I've experienced is so real that I don't even care what anyone may think of me. I just want everyone to know that there is an open invitation at the table of God. We've been living off of crumbs. But He has a WHOLE FEAST for us, and a special chair for each one of us. This isn't just for me! It's for anyone who's hungry and tired enough!**
All I could do was Stop Striving, and just STOP.
And just believe that I am God's kid.
That's it!
Not one thing I can do will make me MORE His kid.
And not one thing I can do will make me LESS His kid.
All those things I want Abe to believe about me, I've begun to believe about God. And I started asking Him to show me why I have a hard time believing that. I'd ask Him to show me what my emotional needs were, and I'd ask Him to meet those needs as they came up. And He HAS. Every one of them. Y'all, it has been like talons in my soul are one by one becoming unhooked! And it's not because I'M doing anything! It's all Him. He's the only one who can fix me! He's helping me believe, really truly deeply believe, that I'm His kid, and He's really who He says He is.
And I've stopped looking at Abe or myself as if we needed to arrive. There's no destination here. This is just a journey we get to do together. This is a relationship. I'm not looking at Abe in frustration or disapproval when he regresses or does something wrong. I LOVE him because he is my SON. And guess what? God loves each of us because we are HIS. My helping Abe heal has nothing to do with what Abe can do for me. It has everything to do with how much I love him, care about him, and want him to realize what a treasured person he really is.
That's the catch! There IS NO CATCH!!!
God wants to see US restored for the same reasons! He loves us! He really does! He cares about us! He wants us to see ourselves for the beautiful creations we are, to see all the lovely qualities He's carefully crafted into each of us. He wants to simply love on us and tell us how treasured we are.
Isn't it terrifying? Isn't there this part of you that thinks, "Ok, I want to try that. But first of all, I need to stop doing this this and this."? Well guess what? God's not at all surprised by the comforts we turn to. Those things we know we shouldn't do but we can't seem to stop doing. And He knows exactly WHY we do them. Even more than we do! We don't have to clean up first. It's ludacris because we CAN'T clean ourselves up! Haven't most of us tried that already? It doesn't work!
We don't even have to WANT to give up those other things first. It's ok! He's not asking us to give up anything yet (although if you keep this relationship with Jesus thing up, you're going to see those things that seem so sparkly now for the imitation that they are).
For now, just come to Jesus, just as you are, and start the conversation. Bask in the FACT that you are God's kid, you are WANTED, and ask Him to show you the way.
He wants to!
This is for us all.
Let's let the healing journey begin.
