For The Person Who Feels Too Much...

Oh, how I wish someone would've told me years ago what I'm about to tell you now. Every word spoken here is only meant to spare you pain in the days, months and years to come.  

Let me begin by saying that you are special and you are loved.  That may not be the way YOU feel about you now.  Instead, maybe you've believed that you are small, unimportant and less than those around you.  Perhaps you have learned to fit in by holding back.  Or maybe you've tried hard but it still doesn't feel like enough.

I wish I could take you by the hand, get close, and look into your eyes.  I would say it a hundred times just to make sure you believe--just because someone else doesn't see the light in you, doesn't mean it isn't there.  What if I were to tell you that God has chosen YOU?  Yes, you.  Because he has heard the cry of your heart and he knows all you've gone through.   He knows you have no idea the value of your soul--that the angels literally hold their breath when they look at you--because you, well, you are prized and treasured by God Himself--made in His very image--and set at this exact time in history for a purpose. The angels were there the day you entered the world and there was great celebration, b/c God himself was in that room cheering and jumping for joy.  Yes.  That is who you are in heaven's eyes.  You are celebrated.  You are His!

And you were born into a world at war.  The years have been hard and dark and heavy, a personal assault intended to break you.  Darkness knows that if you knew who you really were, you'd be dangerous--you might decide to shine.  

What if I were to tell you that every single person around you is broken?  Every one.  And this fact means two things for you:

1. You aren't unique in the brokenness you feel.  You actually AREN'T less or more than anyone else.  You and all of humanity are all equally screwy!  ;)

1. Insults, ignorance, and flat out rejection from others has much more to do with their own stuff than it does with you.  Who can know the tangles of another's brokenness?  You don't even yet know your own.  But can I tell you something?  It's NOT your fault.  Other people's behavior is THEIRS, and it is not your responsibility to carry how and why others act the way they do.  You are only responsible for your own behavior.  

Can I tell you the one secret that will make all the difference from here forward?  The really good news?

God cares when you're hurt.  God cares when you're sad.  God cares when you're mad, embarrassed, and all the other feelings you're ashamed you feel. Not one second of your precious life goes by unnoticed by Him.  LET Him minister His care and concern to you.  LET him heal you when you are wounded.  

How?

Take all of those feelings to Him.  He does not expect you to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and work harder.  He WILL MAKE YOU STRONG AND COURAGEOUS, but you must go to Him with the wounds first.  You tell Him all about it.  In the quiet.  Between Him and you.  You talk to Him about it more than you talk to anyone else about it.  You share the hurt and the pain, then you ask Him what he thinks of you, of the situation.  You choose to trust Him with your pain.  And you trust Him to take care of you and handle it.

And something beautiful will happen as you do.  You will no longer be walking wounded.  You will be walking healed. You will no longer walk empty, you will walk full.  And you will be used to fill others and be part of His redemption as a result.

Dear person who feels too much--if you can rely on daily hearing from Him--daily letting Him remind you of who you are, then there will be NO mountain you can't climb.  There will be NO hurdle you can't jump.  You will find health and wholeness and life--not because you are striving and jumping--but because you will live out of who you really are--your truest identity--who GOD Almighty says you are--not what other people say.  

You do NOT feel too much.  You feel just right.  And everyone feels the same--others may do a better job at hiding it than you, but everyone is actually after the same thing--love and acceptance.  And you are WILDLY accepted, WILDLY cherished, WILDLY loved.  Once you know this about yourself, you will be able to pour it out to others with ease.  And can I tell you another secret?  They are just as desperate to know they are loved as you are!  

Start now.  You don't have to wait even one second.  Tell Him what's been on your mind.  Ask Him who He says you are.  Then believe it.  Then live it.  Go be the beautiful person God created you to be.  Because if you do, hand in hand with Him, you will find yourself in the midst of a great adventure, custom fit just for you from the beginning of time.  This world is so dark, but you will be a bearer of Light.

The waiting world is watching and hoping that you will be you!

Hope

"So..."  My dear friend pauses and her voice is steady.  "The doctors confirmed, it IS cancer.  I'm supposed to go in for surgery next week."

I inhale sharply.  I've been waiting for this news.  Hoping this wouldn't BE her news.  But I put on my high-pitch brave voice and reply, "Ok.  Thanks for letting me know.  I'm praying.  Are you ok?"  A few other details emerge.
"I'll be ok."
"Ok. I love you."  Why do we keep saying ok, when things are clearly NOT ok?
"I love you too."
We hang up the phone.  I make a b line for my bed, pull the covers over my head and curl into a ball.  I let my mind spin and swirl.

Prayers.  We're going to need prayers.  I shoot out a text to my most trusted prayer partners.  I feel sick.  What does this mean? What does the future hold?  I don't WANT to go through this.

My phone rings.  I reject it.  I can't talk right now.  I don't want to talk.

Moments later I hear a knock at the door.  When I open it, my best friend is standing there, fighting back her own tears and says "I don't want you to be alone right now."  I fall into her arms sobbing.  She cries with me.  We hold each other, crying.  We stay that way, vulnerable in our humanity and tears, until one of my kids walks by and says as only children can, "Why are you guys crying?"  We laugh, because we know we must look like crazy people right now.  We stumble through the next few minutes, hug one last time, and say goodbye.  She leaves and I am both grateful for her and afraid.  Morbidly I wonder, "What if I lose her too?"

I retreat to my bed and curl back into my ball. This world just keeps on turning and everything is changing.  I don't want to love because I don't want to lose.  It'd be so much easier to stay here under the covers than to love and lose.  The tears continue to fall from my face and soak my pillow.

"Where are you God?  Where are you in THIS?"  My heart aches with anger and visceral sadness.  I'm not ready to go through yet another trial.  Things are just now settling down with our adopted son...A two year intense battle with more lows than highs.  We are just now starting to feel like normal people again.

A scene fills my mind.  It's the last scene from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.  The war has just been waged and the Beast is down.  Belle leans over him, crying.  It's over.  The battle was fought hard.  And the Beast is now dead.  Belle quietly whispers "I love you" as a single tear falls from her face.  She closes her eyes and continues to cry.

Then.  A single shard of light hits the ground like rain.  It sounds like hope. Then another.  It finally causes her to look up.  Then another, and another.  She lifts her head and the light-rain is now falling all around her.  When she looks at the Beast, he is no longer there, but is being transformed into a man.  The music builds as he turns around and reveals himself in all his glory.  She knows him but she isn't sure.  Is it him?

She squints in uncertainty and touches his face.  It IS him!  She knows him by the familiarity in his eyes.  As if truth is finally unveiling, Belle now begins to realize that all along she was an integral piece of the story.  Suddenly the castle is transformed.  What was once a rainy and dark scene against a dingy rock backdrop with evil gargoyles standing watch suddenly becomes light and beauty and white and angelic.  The music is celebratory as the characters in the story are magically transformed into their truest selves.  The spell has been broken!  Everything is back to the way it SHOULD be and there is a feast and a party waiting for them.

The scene fades out and my thoughts return to reality.  I hear my dear Father whisper into my thoughts, "Things are not yet as they should be."  I feel His comfort.  This world is NOT my home.  It is deeply broken.  There is sadness, fear, disaster, and pain all around.

Will I fight? Or will I stay in this bed and hide?  Do I believe that I serve a God who will one day transform the "castle"?  The God who will one day reveal what's most true about this world and all of us?  Should I be surprised that I live in a broken world and that I am, gasp, seeing brokenness?  Do I still believe there is hope?  That there is a celebration a comin', where all will be as it is meant to be?  That THAT is my future?  And I just can't see it yet?

I pull out my laptop and do a Youtube search for this scene.  I watch it then laugh because I happened to pull up the version where the words are dubbed in Finnish.  And a deep deep hope rises within me.

You damn right I'm gonna fight.  I'm gonna fight with every ounce that's in me.  I'm going to use the gifts God has given me and I'm going to push back the darkness with all my might.  I'm going to be courageous when I feel scared.  I'm going to love even though I might lose.  I'm going to pray and believe for miracles in the face of hopelessness.  I'm going to stand up for justice even if I'm standing alone.  Because I BELIEVE that there is a good God, and He is absolutely worth fighting with and for.  He's already won.  I just haven't gotten to the celebration part of the Story He's writing yet.

But it's coming.

It IS coming.

Until then, I will fight.

Who's with me?

One morning in the fall of 2016

Sitting here this morning in my room and it is "quiet"...meaning, there are only roofers drilling above me, but I'm not near those noisy fans blowing hot air into our walls from the flooding that happened last weekend when water flowed freely into our home.  My curtains are drawn, there are currently at least 10 strangers working outside.  I have a lukewarm cup of coffee beside me and I'm trying to process where I am and where I am going.

I decide to go ahead and make myself a fresh cup rather than reheat for the 4th time the cup I made 3 hours ago when I attempted to have a quiet time but the kids woke up early and needed this and that.  I decide to do this one kind thing for myself.  Not because I deserve it but because it would taste better. Life's been throwing some major curve balls lately, the flooding only one of them.  Just making this fresh cup of coffee is me acknowledging that, and taking a moment to be gentle with myself.

And the laundry needs foldin' and the toilets need scrubbin' and there are a thousand other things I could and should be doing.  But I've got giants up ahead and I know if I don't take a moment to catch my breath, I will reach them exhausted and unable to hold up these little ones as we pass through yet another storm together.  So this morning I'm trying something new.  Instead of my regular MO of pushing pushing pushing and adding more caffeine while simultaneously being irritated at myself for not being able to "get it together"...I am going to slow it down sister.  Read this Bible that's laid unopened for a week or more, and check back in with my Heavenly Papa.

I am so desperate for His calm and reassuring words.  I'm so desperate to be reminded once again that He's with me.  That He will carry us.  That nothing ever comes our way without His permission.  That He will always take us from strength to strength--like we are jet skis on a river, and we continually hit these boulders that should totally take us out, but instead, we face them dead on, and when we look behind us, there is only beauty in our wake.  Because he is HERE. He cares.  He is constant.  If I have learned anything on this journey with Him, it is that He truly does turn heartache into blessing.  I've witnessed it over and over and over again.

I utter, "Lord, I'm not even worthy to talk to you, but..." and a larger thought overtakes mine "NO one is worthy!" 

Not one of us.  I let that sink in.  I think of all the people I hold on a pedestal.  Not one of us is perfect. 

Not one of us deserving of His attention or care or love or intervention. 

It is not based on our worth, but His.  We can only love because He loves us first.  Receiving His love, accepting it, even in the midst of our unworthiness...that is step 1. 

A moment or two passes, deep breaths.  You are here, right here with me in this moment Jesus.

He whispers, not audibly, but his thoughts through mine, "Let's just focus on today.  Tell me what's been bothering you."  

And I begin.  The laundry list I've been holding inside.  All the worries that have been eating at me.  The situations that seem hopeless.  The relationships that are  murky.  The way I was hurt by this or that.  The uncertainty of what will happen down the road.  The ways I mess up and struggle.  I tell Him all of it.  There are some tears.  There is some anger.  There is some whining!  Some comparing to those around me. 

Guilt tries to creep in but I push it away--I know if I am to get through this, I've got to deal with these emotions, and God is listening with kindness, not expecting me to put on a show for him or be brave or tough.  He WILL make me brave and tough, but only after I've acknowledged with Him what I'm really struggling with.  Guilt over the feelings does nothing to get rid of them.  I'm reminded of the story Jesus told about the Pharisee who prayed piously, saying all the right words, and the other man who hung his head, beat his chest and let out his groans.  One man put on a mask.  The other man came as he was.  Jesus condemned the mask and rewarded the honesty.  

One by one, we go through that list.  One by one, he speaks His Gospel truth.  Sometimes it's "Do you trust me?"  Sometimes it's "Remember when you felt this way and that happened?".  Sometimes it's "You are so loved and accepted."  Sometimes it's just me pouring out all the offenses and hurt and the way those offenses and hurts have effected me...then putting the whole ugly mess in His hands and trusting He will be the true Judge, and I can let it go and trust He will take care of it.  I will no longer let the damage perpetuate.  I can say to my offender, we are both messes, in need of a Redeemer.  I'm not going to hold onto this one anymore.  I say a silent prayer that their life will be transformed.  If God can transform me, I know He can transform anyone.  

I arise.  Free.  Hopeful.  Clean.  Energized.  I know as I face the rest of this day, I will face it with Him.  I will work with Him. Him through me.  I will meet people with an ability to pour out rather than needing to be filled.  I'll continue to have the conversation with my dearest Friend, the One who just made me feel validated and taken care of.  We will fold the laundry and scrub the toilets and face the thousand tasks...together.

As I rise, I'm reminded of Jesus' words, and I repeat them with a chuckle, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world!"  And I look into the future--this day and beyond--and I know that I walk with the One who has overcome the world.  Therefore, I'm no longer afraid to face it.

Confessions from a recovering perfectionist...

The last 6 weeks have been such a tornado that I feel like I just completed a marathon! I'll spare you the details but it concluded Saturday with a bang--my hubs out of town for work, me alone with our 4 darlings and 12 hours of laying in bed throwing up and rehearsing the many ways I'm a failure at my entire life.

After a day recovering, I got up this morning a little less tightly wound than I've been for weeks.  I awoke early, made the coffee, and sat with my Lord.   

Did you do the last 6 weeks perfectly?  No.

Did you disappoint people?  Yes.

Is your house in disarray?  Yes.

Do your kids need you to hunker down this week?  Yes.

Does that mean that you're a complete failure? 

I still haven't figured out why my first inclination is to berate myself, to be disappointed in myself, or to try harder at perfection, only to feel more berated and more disappointed in my shortcomings. 

But I'll tell ya what...that's not the voice of God.  He doesn't speak to us that way.  

In the quietness of our morning together, the Lord encouraged my soul!  He reminded me that He is a kind Father who notices all that we do RIGHT.  

Yes, there is rhythm and there is balance...but His is not the voice of discouragement, disgust, and frustration with us.  That's not how He treats us, even if it's exactly how we treat ourselves or sadly, at times, the way we treat others.  The fact is, we are His kids, completely accepted by Him today, this very minute.  He works through us despite us.  His grace fills in the cracks we miss.  

This whole parenthood/marriage/friendship thing is a process...one filled with a lot more grace than we give ourselves.  He isn't the one with the whip at our backs or a wagging finger--His is a gentle hug that says "Sweetie, I see how hard you're working.  Let me carry that burden with you, cause you aren't alone in this.  Let's problem solve together.  I'm totally with you and for you."

At the end of the day, for many of us, our hearts are that we WANT to do a good job with it all!  But we are still learning, so we're bound to make some mistakes along the way.  And that is what is so beautiful to God...a heart open to learning from Him and committed to walking with Him.  If He could say one thing to you right now friend....just a few lines to get you through your day, I'm certain it would be this: 

"You make me so proud!  You're not alone here.  I'm cheering for ya...and not from afar, but right here, right beside you...With more than enough strength to carry you through! C'mon, let's do this thing together!"