One morning in the fall of 2016

Sitting here this morning in my room and it is "quiet"...meaning, there are only roofers drilling above me, but I'm not near those noisy fans blowing hot air into our walls from the flooding that happened last weekend when water flowed freely into our home.  My curtains are drawn, there are currently at least 10 strangers working outside.  I have a lukewarm cup of coffee beside me and I'm trying to process where I am and where I am going.

I decide to go ahead and make myself a fresh cup rather than reheat for the 4th time the cup I made 3 hours ago when I attempted to have a quiet time but the kids woke up early and needed this and that.  I decide to do this one kind thing for myself.  Not because I deserve it but because it would taste better. Life's been throwing some major curve balls lately, the flooding only one of them.  Just making this fresh cup of coffee is me acknowledging that, and taking a moment to be gentle with myself.

And the laundry needs foldin' and the toilets need scrubbin' and there are a thousand other things I could and should be doing.  But I've got giants up ahead and I know if I don't take a moment to catch my breath, I will reach them exhausted and unable to hold up these little ones as we pass through yet another storm together.  So this morning I'm trying something new.  Instead of my regular MO of pushing pushing pushing and adding more caffeine while simultaneously being irritated at myself for not being able to "get it together"...I am going to slow it down sister.  Read this Bible that's laid unopened for a week or more, and check back in with my Heavenly Papa.

I am so desperate for His calm and reassuring words.  I'm so desperate to be reminded once again that He's with me.  That He will carry us.  That nothing ever comes our way without His permission.  That He will always take us from strength to strength--like we are jet skis on a river, and we continually hit these boulders that should totally take us out, but instead, we face them dead on, and when we look behind us, there is only beauty in our wake.  Because he is HERE. He cares.  He is constant.  If I have learned anything on this journey with Him, it is that He truly does turn heartache into blessing.  I've witnessed it over and over and over again.

I utter, "Lord, I'm not even worthy to talk to you, but..." and a larger thought overtakes mine "NO one is worthy!" 

Not one of us.  I let that sink in.  I think of all the people I hold on a pedestal.  Not one of us is perfect. 

Not one of us deserving of His attention or care or love or intervention. 

It is not based on our worth, but His.  We can only love because He loves us first.  Receiving His love, accepting it, even in the midst of our unworthiness...that is step 1. 

A moment or two passes, deep breaths.  You are here, right here with me in this moment Jesus.

He whispers, not audibly, but his thoughts through mine, "Let's just focus on today.  Tell me what's been bothering you."  

And I begin.  The laundry list I've been holding inside.  All the worries that have been eating at me.  The situations that seem hopeless.  The relationships that are  murky.  The way I was hurt by this or that.  The uncertainty of what will happen down the road.  The ways I mess up and struggle.  I tell Him all of it.  There are some tears.  There is some anger.  There is some whining!  Some comparing to those around me. 

Guilt tries to creep in but I push it away--I know if I am to get through this, I've got to deal with these emotions, and God is listening with kindness, not expecting me to put on a show for him or be brave or tough.  He WILL make me brave and tough, but only after I've acknowledged with Him what I'm really struggling with.  Guilt over the feelings does nothing to get rid of them.  I'm reminded of the story Jesus told about the Pharisee who prayed piously, saying all the right words, and the other man who hung his head, beat his chest and let out his groans.  One man put on a mask.  The other man came as he was.  Jesus condemned the mask and rewarded the honesty.  

One by one, we go through that list.  One by one, he speaks His Gospel truth.  Sometimes it's "Do you trust me?"  Sometimes it's "Remember when you felt this way and that happened?".  Sometimes it's "You are so loved and accepted."  Sometimes it's just me pouring out all the offenses and hurt and the way those offenses and hurts have effected me...then putting the whole ugly mess in His hands and trusting He will be the true Judge, and I can let it go and trust He will take care of it.  I will no longer let the damage perpetuate.  I can say to my offender, we are both messes, in need of a Redeemer.  I'm not going to hold onto this one anymore.  I say a silent prayer that their life will be transformed.  If God can transform me, I know He can transform anyone.  

I arise.  Free.  Hopeful.  Clean.  Energized.  I know as I face the rest of this day, I will face it with Him.  I will work with Him. Him through me.  I will meet people with an ability to pour out rather than needing to be filled.  I'll continue to have the conversation with my dearest Friend, the One who just made me feel validated and taken care of.  We will fold the laundry and scrub the toilets and face the thousand tasks...together.

As I rise, I'm reminded of Jesus' words, and I repeat them with a chuckle, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world!"  And I look into the future--this day and beyond--and I know that I walk with the One who has overcome the world.  Therefore, I'm no longer afraid to face it.